A certain line from the introduction of the Penguin Book of Mermaids clung to me like seagrass tangled in hair today.
“At stake in these stories is the female merbeing’s existence between worlds… …her ability to cross the threshold into the world of humans and “pass” there as human while never fully belonging.” Penguin Book of Mermaids, Introduction (p xviii)
I will root my appreciation of this line in Embodied Practice and personal life history– specifically, my thoughts today snorkeling in La Jolla Cove, and my existence as a transgender man.
I feel that the transformation becomes more complete every time I enter the water. I feel the rubber fins become more a part of my body; either I am shaping to them or they to me– my feet no longer chafe, my calves no longer cramp. I feel my skin adapting as well– adjusting to the salt, no longer drying. I feel my ears grow more adept at shedding or accepting water, or air, my sinuses equalizing with less and less effort. In a light wetsuit in warm, sunlit water, I am completely unaware of my body temperature, or the energy I am expending to maintain it– I wonder if it is possible to experience homeostasy as cold-bloodedness (a misleading name; ectotherms have warm blood as often as cold, they just don’t control it).
A part of me feels painfully aware that I am experiencing only a shadow of the aquatic state. My fins are only prosthetic; when I take them off to lend them to a friend I feel amputated, halved. Though I’m adept now at expending very little energy in the ocean, I realize that without my snorkel I would tire quickly, the two hours I spent today might have been quartered.
As advanced as I am in my transition, no surgery can change my chromosomes. I will always be a hybrid.
“We humans do not deal well with betwixt and between- liminality makes us
anxious,” Penguin Book of Mermaids, p xi
Still, I am transfixed by the damning assessment of a proto-avian dinosaur fossil in a short story I read last week–
“What a thing, half bird, half lizard, part one thing, part another, trapped forever between more perfect states” Mkondo, Anthony Doerr
At first I asked myself– is it truly so terrible to be not a man and not a woman. To be in the water but not a fish. Then I asked myself– is it truly a natural state? To be un-hybrid. I feel myself, like the dinosaur, between the initial embryonic femaleness of every human and the eventual maleness of some of them. Between the aquatic past of tetrapods and the eventual aquatic present of some mammals.
Mermaids may be a construct, but hybridity is not. Being of two worlds– that is the natural state. The idea that there are dichotomous, segregated, discreet “perfect” states of existence– that is a construct as well.
Glad, this is gorgeous, smart, and pressing. It is the kernel for a longer project, certainly; so please consider building upon this— particularly as you are developing ideas and self-expression FROM close reading the text at hand. Like seagrass mounted to a rock on the seafloor, the text serves as your anchor from which you can explicate and then explain yourself. Beautiful– please keep exploring this important, and very true, aspect of mermaid mythology. (and I cannot wait for you to read The Deep and Stephanie Burt’s poem at the end of the semester… )
Oh my god, this was such a beautifully crafted post. I admire your vulnerability and transparency with sharing your personal journey and oceanic one. I absolutely loved what you said about being of two worlds being the natural state. Your words are so poetic, “to be in the water but not a fish” actually hit different. As someone who struggles with gender expression this post was so beautiful. To see ourselves in mermaids is incredible. To be and not to be, but to just exist is a luxury I’ve yet to experience. Also love the mention of the half bird half lizard dinosaur, I thought that was very interesting as well! Great post as always!!
Happy to hear this resonated with you too! 🙂 Thank you Hahnnah
Gale! I absolutely admire your poetic and vulnerable post. Your description of adapting to the water every time you’re in it is amazing and so relatable. I agree with your conclusion that hybridity is not a construct. And I would love to go snorkeling with you sometime! Yesterday I was surfing and as I was on a wave a cormorant jumped out of it right in front of me. It was such a cool thing to witness and I thought it would be something you would appreciate.
Wow! What a beautiful and emodied connection to the text. Thank you for sharing this experience and observation with us. Being and existing in the water is such a hypnotic and immersive experience, I completely relate to the elation and lightness felt when submerged. It’s only when you have to leave that gravity presses it’s full weight upon your exerted muscles that you realize the effort it took to stay in so long. Wow! You’re a wonderful writer!
Oh man, gravity is such a huge component of this experience, thanks for bringing it up! Makes me think about the extensive adaptations tetrapods had to undergo to be ready to live on land. Terrestrial life is not easy.
Gale! Wow, this was such an incredible blog post. I appreciate your openness and vulnerability, and I thank you for your willingness to discuss your transition as it relates to this class. You are so right that, for countless humans and animals that live on this planet, hybridity is a constant. I love your quote, “Then I asked myself– is it truly a natural state? To be un-hybrid”. We are taught to fear hybridity, to put ourselves in boxes with big fat labels, but why? There is so much beauty and grace in being comfortable in the in between or fluid, and if these stories of merpeople do nothing else, they must teach us to find that beauty in the betwixt.
Thank you Nellie 🙂 I appreciate you
Hi Gale, I really loved your post! You have such a way with words, such beautiful writing. As I was reading, it struck me that for individuals that identify as transgender, merpeople are a beacon of light for the community. I started to consider that not only is what you said true, but mermaids mean a lot more to the community, possibly young transgender children, because a mermaid doesn’t necessarily have much of a genitalia, other than the fish tail. Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable with us in your post. Your post opened my eyes to something else that I had never thought of or considered before.
Thank you for telling me! I’m so glad I can share my perspective